Do we have to prove our worth?

I’ve always been quite hard on myself feeling I need to DO something to somehow prove my worth to myself. If this is the case for you, it is likely we each have unique methods of going about how. How do we feel we are adding to ourselves? That we are making something of ourselves? That we are gaining something or maybe we feel like we need to contribute in order to be “worthy”. Do you have a standard or definition of “worthy”? Have you asked yourself what exactly it is you are “worthy” of? Is it something specific? Or is it everything in general? Are you afraid of who you will be without a set standard you set for yourself?

“I want to be strong so I can empower myself and others through that strength, but I don’t want my worthiness & love in myself to be conditional. But I fear who I will be if it’s not”.

For me, the outlet that lets me feel free to exist in peace is exercise. Without having done a workout I feel proud of, I feel like something is missing. How can this be a part of life I love but dread so much at the same time? Some days, the drive and energy in my body guides me straight through my workout with good tunes and adrenaline. I push myself and LOVE feeling the strength of my own body as I lift heavy or move with agility. I feel so alive and proud of myself. On other days, there is a little more resistance. I question if I am listening to my body or just being weak. I start to notice the thoughts that go through my mind making me question who and what I am if I decide to not go to the gym or take that run. I feel low in momentum and my creative energy seems to have faded. I noticed this intensified after getting my personal training certification as this probably further attached me to the identity as a “gym-goer”. After being very active for the past 7 years, I’ve gotten used to the body I have created and I fear who I will be without it—who I will be if it is different. I am proud of what I have worked for and I like who the gym makes me want to be for others. But I don’t want it to have power over me. But will I lose what I have worked for all these years if I don’t let it have power over me? Can I love myself without conditions & standards, yet still have the courage to make the harder choice anyway?

And here you have, my friends, the complexity of my mind and all the zig-zag questions I like to create to make my life feel harder! Sometimes (when lucid enough) I like to zoom out and laugh at the mess of questions/thoughts i have in front of my face as if it were a million-piece puzzle I haven’t started laid out across the floor. Maybe the puzzle forms nothing. Who knows. But I am curious to know where any of you stand on this topic. Thank you for reading & please share if you have words on your heart. Here is to remembering: There is no “right” answer. Only what we choose to work for us.

Soo..

Do you fear who you would be if the love for yourself were not conditional?